Okay, as you might have guessed, I heard that you & your wife have decided to divorce. Because I respect you both, there are very few words that adequately describe how crappy this makes me feel. I'm sure that doesn't come close to how bad both of you must feel.
I can still remember the feelings of shame, failure, disappointment, anger, frustration and indignation during a time when the specter of divorce loomed over my own marriage. This was a time when the ocean of hurt and disrespect between my wife & me seemed impossible to cross. Even if I had wanted to reconcile with such a demanding, disrespectful and unreasonable woman, I couldn't see how it could happen. During these dark times certain verses really impacted me:
"Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way." -Matthew 19:8
Was my heart hard? Wasn't she the hard hearted one?
"Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because He no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. You ask, 'Why?' It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel ... So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith." -Malachi 2:13-16
Maybe it wasn't all about me and my happiness? Divorce couldn't possibly be God's will. Perhaps God didn't call me to the mission field or to martyrdom, but simply to keep my marriage together and raise Godly children. But reconciling meant I would have to sacrifice, to deny the things I wanted for myself. Was this what He meant when he said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23)? Jesus had to choose between obedience to God and following His own desires. I was in my own little Garden of Gethsemane. God was calling me to lose my life, but not for my wife's sake, for His.
"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." -Matthew 10:39
These close shaves with divorce were about 8 or 9 years ago when I was having such a hard time at Freightliner with my psycho boss. My career was circling the drain and I was so wrapped up in myself that it is embarrassing to think about now. I started drinking beer every night (I don't even like beer!) and filling my life with distractions. It took the threat of divorce to finally get my attention. I can still remember walking down Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway sobbing and calling on Jesus to help me. I can say now that God answered my call for help, and I have been finding my life ever since. Not where I thought it was, but in a better place that God designed for me.
The name of Jesus is so very powerful. Thousands of years ago the prophet Joel said, "All who call on the name of the Lord will be saved," and I am here to testify to the truth of that statement. God plucked my life and marriage from what I thought was a certainty of divorce, failure and brokenness. I'm telling you my story in the hopes that it will inspire you to call on the name of Jesus and fight tooth and nail for your marriage. Obviously, a marriage takes two people, desiring to follow God, in order to succeed. Because of this you may not win. But in the end you can say that you fought the good fight.
Know that I love you both and that I am praying for you.
Your Brother,
Randall
I love you, my dear husband.
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